The key to life is knowing who you are first.
Life is difficult as is for a young African-American female, not knowing yourself makes things much harder.
Most wouldn’t think twice about knowing themselves, let alone questioning themselves. Yet it should in fact happen, at some point or another.
For me it has taken place on several occasions through out the years. It happened once when I was a child. I wondered what was wrong with me that my mother wanted no part of me. My father had to explain to me that their relationship ending had nothing to do with me.
Mind you at this point I didn’t know my mother and had no memories of her. Her and my father divorced when I was an infant and he had full custody of me.
So there was no way that I would’ve remembered her. As a child in school we were made to draw family pictures and tell stories about our family. I was made fun of for not having a mother, which is what brought on the questions.
As a child it’s hard to imagine why my mommy didn’t want me and daddy . Eventually I moved on and just stopped caring about the subject.
A few years after my father showed up one day with my mother and I had no memories of her to know who she was. Even after being introduced, I just wasn’t sure about it.
It was just a thorn in my heart trying to understand. Why Now? It was unsettling to say the least. He had decided that it was in my best interest to have a relationship with my mother.
Was it really though? Or was it some sort of guilt trip crap? Maybe he at one point wanted to be back with her? Only God knows for sure, but I knew one thing for sure. I wasn’t comfortable with this.
The time I spent living in the country with my grandmother, I heard the conversations about my mother. By no means were they good. It was rough on me hearing about it all. Especially the question of paternity, it tore me up inside.
It all followed me through out the years. I felt so many emotions concerning her. I was willing to do anything for my father, so I tried for him. I gave her a chance, it made him happy.
Little did he and I know, it was a big mistake. I started spending weekends with her in the roughest part of Dallas. It wasn’t at all what I was use to. I felt so out of place there, even with my siblings. I wanted very much to return to my home but it wasn’t happening.
I wasn’t use to the hood lifestyle, it was a culture shock for me. From the gangs, violence, drugs and different guys that came in and out. I was in for a rude awakening. I wasn’t ready for any of it.
They lived a fast and dangerous life. Before long I was spending summers there. It was clear to everyone there that I wasn’t from there. That was hard enough to deal with, without them feeling like I was a goodie-two shoes or Suzy homemaker type of chick.
I ended up, having to prove myself there. I begin to change in ways I thought I would never be. I was pimped out by her and touched by family members. All done on the cool which made it worse. I started drinking, smoking and rebelling. I went through it all but couldn’t bring myself to tell my father. I buried it deep inside with everything else. I hated my beauty after that, I still have my moments and nightmares to this day.
I’ll never understand how a mother could be that way or the reason my father wanted me to have anything to do with her. I deal with her from a long handle spoon, if possible not at all. I was scared of the idea that my children one day would be affected by her. It’s horrible to think your manipulative mother is the grandmother to your babies.
I had to seek counselling and take medication for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I wanted to kill myself at one point and was a cutter to feel something other than that pain I felt. I can’t stand to see or talk to her till this day. It brings back all the bad things that happened to me. I had to finally leave the state to do and feel better. I had to rediscover who I am and make peace with myself.
I learned to accept the things that made me, me, the good, bad and even the ugly. It made me strong and resilient. I encourage you to love yourself.
My self discovery is my beauty is within.
Toni OnOne 